So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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