As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
