So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
