Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
