When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
