you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
