Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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