i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
