Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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