I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize