holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
