i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
