some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
