Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
