In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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