Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
