I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
