Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
