Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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