May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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