I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
