he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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