Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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