Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
