My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I stole a fireplace last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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