Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
