and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
