Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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