guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm at about main and main street
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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