if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize