we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
