WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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