her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
