we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
