It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
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