seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
