Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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