i need an iv and a liver transplant
my vag is so smooth its legendary
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
