Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
