I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
