He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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