i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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