barbara walters just said penis...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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