apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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