I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
