I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
