I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think i have herpe
just one?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
