Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
are you so shy because you have an std?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
