Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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