My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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