your room smells of hookers.
And success
Only a mothe r could love this liver
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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