Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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