he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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