her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
