I heard we made out
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
