I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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