Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
